I understand how hard it is to handle the people who ask why you keep trying for more. I wish I didn’t, but that’s just not the case. I was reading this week (on a miscarriage blog) about a lady who had her 9th miscarriage, and while I honestly don’t believe I could handle that many losses, I do believe that whether or not she continues to try is ultimately up to HER. There are people in my life who gave me an extremely hard time after our second loss, telling me that we already had a baby and asking why were we even trying for more. The overwhelming sentiment was that we must not have thought our little guy was “enough”. I think it’s really wrong, on multiple levels, for anyone to assume that we (people in general) aren’t happy with the child/children we have, and that’s the reason why we’ve tried again. For those who have had multiple losses, with no living children, and for those who have multiple children, with no losses… no one has the right to judge our choices. This has to be one of the (many!) reasons why people don’t tend to share openly about their losses. Too many people act completely unfeeling when they hear about it. It may just be that they really don’t know what to say, but in that case, is it really a problem to say that? So here are some thoughts on things you SHOULD say to a woman who has gone through a miscarriage – whether or not it’s happened before. Ready?
1. I’m so sorry. That seems really simplistic, but sometimes, that’s all we (the people who have gone through the loss) really want to hear. If she responds with more than “thank you”, you might be able to say more… but if she doesn’t, then please let her be. She will remember that you cared, but didn’t push her to talk when she wasn’t ready.
2. I’ll be praying. There is some debate about this, because people can pray for goodness only knows what, but I think it’s comforting to know that other people are praying during times when we need it. It doesn’t matter what they’ll say, God knows how we feel, and I believe that any prayer prayed for us after our losses is helpful.
3. I wish I knew what to say. There is nothing wrong with coming right out and saying that you don’t know what to say. Don’t follow that up with anything, just say that you wish you knew what to say, give a hug, and leave it there.
4. Hugs!! While some women may not be comfortable with hugs, and for other they might make it harder for them to keep from crying (my hand goes up here!), a hug is always a good thing in situations like this. Who says you need to say anything at all?
As far as what not to say, here are a few more (in addition to my last post)….
1. There must have been a good reason. That’s probably true, but it’s the last thing that the parent wants to hear. That brings up more questions for us – we would have loved the child, even if there had been issues, and the idea that God wouldn’t trust us to take care of the child is more than we can handle.
2. At least you know you can get pregnant! Also not helpful. Not even remotely. Getting pregnant is a small part of the process – many, many women can get pregnant but are never able to carry the baby beyond a few weeks. Knowing I can get pregnant isn’t helpful to me. I need to know I can carry the pregnancy long enough to have a baby with me.
3. God never gives you more than you can handle. This is hard, for so many reasons, because it goes with the first one. The idea that God would have taken the baby because I wouldn’t have handled any issues well, really makes it seem like God is a mean God. I don’t agree with that mindset, but sadly, you hear this most from people in church… because they all seem to know how to quote those kinds of things… but it’s really a horrible thing to say when someone has lost a child. Also awful if you’ve lost a parent, a sibling, a cousin, etc, etc. I know God is with me through it, and He obviously thinks I can handle this, but I will never believe He “took” my child just to prove something to me.
4. You can always try again. Ha. Really? Many women who have had a miscarriage have had subsequent health issues that make it impossible to try again. Seriously. It’s not always as easy as you’d hope.
5. Why not just adopt? I am personally ALL for adoption (and have seriously considered it!), but while the idea is great, the cost is huge. It’s not as easy as you’d hope for, and many people will never be able to afford it. The people who ask that seem to be the same ones who have tons of money and no financial challenges… or the ones with six kids of their own (so the ones that would never have to consider it). But asking about adoption is just not something that should EVER be part of the discussion, unless they bring it up first, and even then, watch your step very carefully.
There are many, many more that I could put in both categories… but the point really is that when people are hurting, we need to show them that we care, and not that we’re judging what they’ve done, or what they’re going to do. Parenting choices are extremely personal, and just like we don’t have people telling us how we should train or discipline our children (at least, not normally!), people shouldn’t be telling us what to do (or not to do!) when it comes to having them in the first place.
I never have said what I thought in response to any of these questions when they were asked (or even after the fact)…. but I strongly admire the women who speak up and tell people how their questions make them feel. I really do. It’s not easy to go through, and it’s even harder to talk about – especially when other people (especially women!) say things that hurt us so much. If you’ve ever had any of the questions asked of you, I apologize. I’m am truly so very sorry that you’ve gone through it too.